Adam was supposed to leave on deployment (stateside, but still deployment) in October, before Aaron was born. My mom was going to come out in December to be there with me and help me get through doing mommyhood of two. When Adam’s schedule was delayed to December, we started to wonder if we needed my mom out if he was going to be home. And then his schedule was pushed back again….
These last two months we have constantly gone back and forth between “do we need my mom?” and the circumstances that keeps delaying her visit. There were multiple times I sat down in exhaustion (emotionally and physically) and told Adam I needed Mom to come, yesterday. Each time we tried to plan for her to come and help something came up that prevented it. And then when she could have come, I had a good week and felt like I could handle things again.
On Saturday, coming back from Target (because in the car seems to be the only time Adam and I can have a proper conversation nowadays), I expressed to him that I didn’t understand why God was letting all this happen. If I needed my mom, why wasn’t He moving things around so she could come out and help? With my trepidation of postpartum depression/anxiety getting worse I needed to feel that she could come out at any time, without worry of something delaying or going wrong.
As I talked to Adam I came to the realization that I was being shown how strong I am. I don’t give myself much credit for strength, but these last two months AND the past three years should have convinced me that I am stronger than I realize.
And I pictured God saying to me, “See? You are strong. With me you can get through this.”
But that didn’t sit right with me. That meant that God was actively making these things happen to show me I’m strong. But maybe it is more like life is nuts and crazy and doesn’t work out, but God takes the mess and shows me how He is making it work. He is showing me that I am strong, even when the imperfect life is stormy and hard. God doesn’t make bad things happen, it is a result of the world being fallen.
So I changed what I pictured Him telling me. “But see?”
“But see? I am making things beautiful in this mess. I am showing you how strong you are.”