Depression, Pre-K, and Life

Hello everyone! Yup, it’s my random blog post of the — let’s just say era. I do not get around to blogging as much as I had set out to do, and I definitely do not do it enough to keep my “publicity” up. But that isn’t the point of blogging, is it?

Oftentimes I have a lot of ideas to write about, and some of them make it to draft status. However, because I have a strict policy on what I write, very few make it to being published.

Today is different because I need to update and these two topics are important to me. Let’s start with the not so fun one. Depression. 

Part of the reason I haven’t written a lot here lately is because everything has been seen through a veil of depression. I’ve been struggling with mild depression after getting through postpartum depression, and it’s been very difficult keeping things lighthearted and real at the same time.

Let me quick give an explanation about this “season” of depression. This has clearly been circumstantial depression. Things that happened over the past 6-9 months escalated, my medical appointments became 2-4x per week, my hubby is back on a crazy busy work schedule, and I simply felt like I was drowning. Add to that the normal life with two young boys, with very little time to take care of the caregiver (me!), I slipped into a mild depression and I liked it. I know, you’re probably thinking, “say what?? She liked being in a depressive state??” No, not really. But yes, sort of. I had a few weeks where, during naptime, I gave my oldest permission to go on his iPad and I laid in bed on my own iPad. I checked out of “reality” so I could breathe again. Until it became a habit, and the depression got worse. Other symptoms like irritability, mood swings, weight gain, and feeling disconnected from my kids told me that I was back on the depression road.

Once I recognized what was happening, I cried. And I cried some more to my husband, asking him all the wrong questions. And then I thought about it and realized what had happened, how it happened. And I cried some more.

Ultimately, I knew I needed to make changes. I didn’t like what had happened and I didn’t like who I had become. I knew this is circumstantial because it felt different, I felt like I had more control. I knew that in this case (as opposed to postpartum depression), I had control over getting better. PPD was more of a waiting game, controlling how to cope with depression, to get me to the end. This, though, was realizing I had let myself fall into the trap, and in this case (please do not use this as an example for all forms of depression!!) I could actually pull my act together and change.

So here I am. I am on the upswing of the mild depression, which means I’m still fragile and could easily fall back into it. But I am getting better. I have my joy back.

Which brings me to pre-k.

Y’all, I can’t stand preschool. I love books and workbooks and worksheets, but I can’t stand being “creative” and “artsy” and “messy” and “imperfect”. So I set out to look for opportunities for Michael where he could get all of that messy stuff and I could do the workbooks.

I found a lot… but expensive. I then decided that I needed my sanity and that school would be a better route to take. I looked up TK and found out he misses the cutoff by one week. Despairing, I looked up regular preschools and nearly fainted at the costs. Um, no.

I called the local school and I asked specifically if they would even consider making him an exception. No.

Then, for the next few weeks I panicked about what I was going to do with two young boys running around the house.

I was still in my depression. I was still struggling to be connected and find my joy.

But then it came to me. Bravery.

I opened my computer and did a quick search for homeschool books. That one little search reignited my motivation to make this work.

Folks, I am on the fence about homeschooling. I always believed I would homeschool. Until I had kids — then I thought I was crazy. But now — right now — this is the course. I don’t know about next year, or the years after that. But this coming year, I’m going to test out the waters and make an effort.

Some of you know that I tried preschooling at home last year. Honestly, I failed. Too many things interrupted our momentum. And yeah, it didn’t matter. He’s not “behind” or lacking in anything. Folks, he knows his solar system pretty well! But this year is my test, in a sense. I need to know if I am capable of staying on track. Because if I can’t, then homeschooling is not for us.

Pre-k is going to be fun, because I said so. I am approaching it differently, and most importantly I know that this is still a “free” year for him. He won’t suffer if I fall behind. But I know he needs something. He needs some structure and he needs to use that brain of his here and there. He’s smart, and I won’t let him down by not doing a little school.

Lastly, if anyone knows of great ways to keep Aaron occupied, please feel free to comment! He’s a busy baby, a passionate boy, and he wants to do everything big brother does. He’s by our side constantly!

Thanks for taking the time to read this! Until next time…

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