I was meaning to post about our crazy lives here, or give a Ross update. But, I’ve been facing some very real feelings lately which I desperately want to know if other mommas feel the same. At least occasionally. So this post is for you, Fellow Mommas.
Disclaimer: I do not pretend to be as academically involved as many of my homeschool momma friends are. My oldest is five, so our “school” takes up very little of the day (if we can focus enough to get the work done). I’m very flexible with him, but because we joined a charter school here I need to shoot for some form of “schooling” for an estimated 10-15 minutes a day. Doable, right? My busyness is from the 2 yr old I try to keep alive, and the baby boy who kicks and pushes my insides causing daily contractions and chronic pain. My busyness is daily and routine; full of diapers and dirt and boogers and 2 yr old meltdowns, 5-going-on-15 yr old attitudes and “I don’t like this food” and dirt and boogers, messes and laundry and “we just cleaned your bathroom how is it so stinky already?? Oh yeah, you’re a boy” and dirt and boogers. Okay, I think you get the picture. Throw in appointments upon appointments to manage the pain, and every day I feel like I can’t keep up.
Enter “the feelings”:
Wouldn’t it be easier to put him in preschool? (Oh yeah, it costs money. Cancel that.)
What about next year? Should I continue to homeschool or put him in kindergarten?
Is there a cheap daycare for my 2 yr old just so I can get a break?
Is there a summer school we can afford?
Is there a lonely family member or friend I can snag and ask to live with us?
Am I crazy for thinking I can do all these things and still survive?
And the big one: What about my dreams, passions, and goals?
I have been a writer in heart since my early teens. The day my friend wrote a story for her school and I decided to give it a shot, I realized that writing accessed a part of my soul I had never explored. It fulfilled me, to put it mildly. Writing became a hobby, and when I finished High School it became my focus. But then this guy asked me nine years ago if I wanted to pursue a relationship with him, and I said yes. And then he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. And then I asked and asked and asked if we could start a family, and he finally said yes.
If I had known that having babies would put my writing on such a hold. If I had known that I would not just be a new mom but also a new mom with severe postpartum depression after my first. If I had known my second would turn my physical body against me and give me chronic pain. If I had known God wanted us to have a third…
If I had known.
Never good words to dwell on, right? The If-I-Had-Knowns are dangerous to entertain. But when life gets stressful and busy and so incredibly routine that you want to tear your hair out (or go to that salon and say impulsively, “Let’s cut it all off!”), it is so easy to allow those thoughts into your head. To think about the What-Ifs.
So, my big question to my fellow homeschooling mommas, my stay at home mommas — how do you do it? What drives you to continue to put your dreams on hold? Or better yet, how do you find the time to pursue these dreams without constantly disappointing your heart by saying, “Not now, but maybe some day…”?
I am finding my way. My husband brainstormed with me on how to access my stories and writing on my iPad so that I can keep my writing as fresh in my mind as I can. I’m choosing my priorities and allowing my schedule to be flexible when it can. I wish I could say I’m writing daily and this year I may have a first draft. Oh, how I would love to say that! But I’m still working towards this goal. I am still trying to attain my dream with 2.75 kids in tow.
But battling those feelings is the hard part, isn’t it?
Tell me your thoughts! What are YOUR dreams and goals? Are you actively pursuing them with kids calling for your every attention? Are you in a season right now that it’s just not possible, but the desire is still there? What makes you you, and not only “mom”?
And finally, I do not leave out my working momma friends on purpose. I am curious to know how you got to this point in your life, because I honestly think you gals are amazing. The reason I direct this to the non-working mommas is simply because that’s the season I am currently in. Love to you all!